Today is a very high anxiety day for me! I feel like it’s hard to breathe, I want to cry, I want to yell, it feels like someone is squeezing the center of my chest! My stomach is churning like something is coming, something bad is going to happen or it already has. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out why it is so much worse today, I feel like I’m not going to be able to hold it together for much longer, but I keep trying. I especially hate for my kids to see me having these breakdowns.
One deep breath in & out at a time! Try to relax and focus your energy on something positive, but, it’s just not there.
The last several days, I have been doing things around the house, just simple little tasks that require little effort. But, things that make me feel like I am still a productive and deserving member of this family. Wash a pan, unload the dishwasher (carefully), Clean the humidifier or clean out a couple of drawers.
It just doesn’t take much to cause even a small flare. This morning I woke up with my right eye feeling dry. This is usually my sign that a bad headache, due to my arachnoid membrane swelling or maybe due to my spinal fluid not been able to circulate properly due to this swelling. That didn’t happen today, but I guess it was enough to put the fear back in me & remind me that my life has to be different!
With every flare, comes the fear of new symptoms sticking around. I already have a lot of those and it scares me. Since my big flare at the end of November, which started right before I got my diagnosis, my right outer ankle bone is very sensitive. Just putting a sock on or lightly rubbing against it at times causes pain. I fear that will get worse and I won’t be able to walk on my leg at all. My ears continually ring (tinnitus), low and mid back are pretty much constant pain unless I lay down or recline.
Having to just sit here gives me too much time to think about what is happening to my body. My mind is suffering also, I am afraid of my memory issues escalating I already forget conversations, but once reminded I’m like, oh yes, now I remember. I’m forgetful, I try explaining this to my family, I guess (no, I know) it is part of the disease. I hate the thought of them not being able to manage me in my 40’s or even my 50’s for that matter. My husband understands, he told me does, but it’s just frustrating for him.
My youngest daughter has caught on quickly that Mommy forgets a lot of things. When she asks me for, or to do something, she often checks on me to see if I’ve done it. Or she’ll say, Mom did you forget about “whatever”!! It’s sad, I wish I had known about the repercussions of my injury and putting off a surgery fix for so long causing this. It’s simply enfuriating!! When I start to think about all the what if’s and when’s it drives me to this anxiety and fear.
I watched a video a while ago that Will Smith posted. He said no matter whose fault it is, it is your responsibility to find a way to manage/handle/get over it! There is so much truth in that. I wish there was more that I could do and I’m beginning to think a therapist is in my future. A psychologist type therapist.
For my RESPONSIBILITY, I need to take steps to set this up to learn to manage my anger, anxiety and emotions that come along with this situation. No one else Is going to do it for me, TRUTH!!! No matter if I blame myself because of my ignorance or the Dr’s for making the wrong choices for handling my injury, no one is going to handle this for me!
My posts, for anyone who may read them – will be all over the place, sometimes ranting and skipping here and there. I try to keep myself reigned in, but sometimes one thought leads me off on an entirely different path and I just can’t stop myself from going there.
This “blog/diary” is for me! I needed a way to just get stuff out. It wasn’t intended for anything other than that, BUT if ONE person reads it and can commiserate and feels a little bit less alone, then I think that’s awesome!