The angst of decisions

I will be 44 years old on Saturday and I’ve basically been dealing with this since June 2015.  Today, I am feeling very anxious at the prospect/probability of progression & the lack of hope for any kind of cure- as you all know, good days & bad!  

I am to the point where I am really good on most days about focusing on the positive and just being happy that I am not in horrendous pain (yet) like many of you already are.  I am right now thinking about living like this for another 44 years (maybe – who knows what plan God has for me)!  I WANT to be here for my children!  To listen, to teach, to learn, to experience, to just BE here with & for them!  The reality of how I can spend that time with them has just changed so much, sometimes I just feel like I’m going to crumble.  

I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband who takes care of me, daughters who (most of the time) are very helpful and parents who have always supported me endlessly.  I am upset that I cannot take care of them & help them like I should be able to.  I should be at the point of returning the favor to them & I am unable to.  

Having an anxious day & reeling from the idea that there are no real options for making this much better.  I was going to try & get the $ for stem cells, but the more I read, the more I realize I am more than likely to just be flushing money down the toilet.  

My new pain management Dr. Wants to try a less invasive type of spinal cord stimulator & I am scared!  I have prayed & prayed & thought about this so much!  I honestly don’t know what to do!  I’m afraid of making things worse.  But, if at my age, I could make things better for a number of years, I want to do that!!  I feel like this is the hardest decision of my life & there is no one to help me decide, it’s just overwhelming!  

I made the horrible decision beginning  in June 2015 to let them give me steroid injections and I am so afraid of making another bad decision that makes my circumstance/condition even worse than it already is.  I don’t want to make things worse for me or my family!

Right now, my husband is so great, he does pretty much everything along with his full time+ job, so I am able to be relatively inactive (which I hate), but it keeps my pain low enough that I don’t have to take pain pills & am mentally present for him & my children.  We both agreed that is what we want, if that is the best I can get.  

Thanks for listening/reading!  


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