The Bitch that I’ve become

Well… I don’t know how to start writing tonight, but I feel like words need to get out.  I’ve been a real bitch on occasion, but none more than the last couple of years and especially since my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis was revealed to me a bit over 3 months ago!

After the initial shock and research, realizing, I am not going to get better/they cannot fix me, my emotions, anger, depression, bitchiness have poured out.  Even my Mom says I have changed!  I don’t know that’s it’s been a purposeful change.

I am not willing to put up with anyone’s bullshit anymore.  I feel terrible for hurting my parents, when it comes to my brother especially.  But my feelings on that subject are that he pretty much wrote me (all of us) off about 12 years ago.  He is no longer allowed to, nor do I desire his opinion on what I do, I don’t want to hear how he disagrees with what I do!  I just flat out am sick of hearing it!  He went one way and I went another!  I feel I’ve always stayed true to myself, so for ME, that is all that matters!  I’m saving my teaspoons of energy for people have stuck it out with me!  People who check on me and stand by me, help me when I’ve been they some rough patches.  He has not been there, he has not checked on me.

Tonight, my brother commented on a post I main Facebook and it hit me wrong, so I wrote “STFU”.  My husband, although he always supports me in my craziness said I was a bit harsh.  I don’t know, I’m tired of being silent!  I said what I felt in the moment and it felt good to get it out!

I’m tired!  I’ve been tired of his rules, limitations, judgements and planning around his family for all these years “just to be nice & keep the peace.”

I’m just plain tired… of everything!  I’ll do what I want!  Being in some sort of pain constantly is exhausting!  It has changed me, how could it not, it’s changed mine and my entire family’s life!  My hopes and dreams are cinders and ashes now.  Who wouldn’t  be pissed off and bitchy!

Fuck that!  🎙

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