Unanswered?

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately,  certain songs will make an idea already on my mind become more persistent.  And I think A LOT because I have A LOT of time to think.

Before we went on our family vacation to Destin in November 2017 (a real luxury for us), my mind set was different.  I was intent on really participating, no matter what, I was going to be present in the activities my children & husband wanted me to do, I was going to have that moonlight walk on the beach this year, because when I got home, I was going to have a myelogram and they were finally going to SEE what was wrong with me and then they were going to fix it and THEN!! my life could be “normal” again…. WRONG!!!

I did PUSH through that vacation and I did more than I had done in about 2 1/2 years.  And I paid the penance of pain for it!  I was stiff, sore, my head hurt a little bit more each day!  The nerve pain got a little worse each day.  I had prayed to God, please just let me get thru this vacation and enjoy this rare time with my family.  By the last night of vacation, I was not well!  I had a headache that I tried to tell myself was a migraine, I was so nauseous and I just couldn’t push anymore.  This *migraine* was like no other,  I had severe pressure in my head, like it would explode, I thought it was because there were storms rolling about & the barometric pressure was high.  This was like every kind of headache you can imagine in one.  It took me nearly 6 weeks of doing pretty much nothing and taking pain pills & muscle relaxers to get to my new normal (of still doing pretty much nothing), but not in a full on kicking my ass flare!  At least I wasn’t drugged up & could think somewhat clearly again!  I could be there “mentally” for my kids & husband!

I digress, when I got home, I had my myelogram a few days later.  Then, I saw my Dr.’s PA a week or so later.  This is where I got my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis, the diagnosis that had (little to my knowledge) already changed my life forever, but now I had to accept that this was not something fixable!  No cure, no nothing!  Pain management for life. My Neurologist doesn’t give a shit anymore because he can’t make anymore money off of me.  There will be no scar removal, there is no “fixing” this.  This is really bad!

So, the other day I heard the song “Unanswered prayers”. It got me thinking, does God really “answer” or “unanswer” our prayers? Or, is He just carrying out the plan He had for us all along.  All the time we spend praying & hoping… I know we are not supposed to worry, God has already worked it all out for us.  Duh, but how could THIS be the plan.  I’ve always said, God has a plan for me, I just have to LET it happen – we all know this is easier said than done!  But I had no experience or had never thought a plan like this would be for me!  I was always so careful!!

So, is all this praying & begging to God for this outcome or that really “necessary”?  I picture him answering “be patient my child”, “do not fear my child”, “do not wonder my child”,  “take comfort in Me, my child”!  But is he really ANSWERING, or for that matter UNANSWERING!!! HE had this planned out all along!

All the while, I have prayed for certain outcomes, while being thankful for all of my Earthly blessings as well!  Always, I am so thankful for the life, the opportunities, the LOVE that has been so abundant in my life!

So, dare I walk further down this road… “WHY?? WHY would THIS be His plan for me?  Why would He PLAN like this for me & others like me (and for those in far worse situations than me) our lives the way He has?  Where does free will come into play?  How could I have altered HIS plan?  Could I?  I don’t believe I am that powerful!  Why didn’t this happen to a child molesterer, a rapist, a murderer, a pedophile?  I am trying to wrap my head around all this thinking that sometimes drives me crazy!

My thinking, my ideas… my “unanswered”??? Prayers!!! I have felt close and had a deep belief in God since I was a child.  I honestly don’t think it is possible for a human to fully wrap their minds around all of this!  I have so many questions & I still believe only He has the answers.

I’ve thought about Eve eating the apple, why did she let herself be persuaded to eat that damn apple?  I’ve thought about Jesus & His sufferings.  His resurrection, His faithfulness, His unearthly understanding!  Why, in the world we live in – I can’t make any sense of this way.  I KNOW it is beyond my HUMAN understanding!  I MUST accept something beyond my own understanding!

Now, HOW can I get to a point of ACCEPTANCE?

I pray I will be OK enough to be here for my daughters for long enough!  I don’t know what His plan is!  I’m tired of thinking about this, wondering.  I know I need to lay it in His hands.  I feel comfort and at the same time a gnawing in my gut that He knows/He knew all along!  What did I do wrong, or was it nothing?

How can I better walk alongside Him in the rest of this journey?  He is my only hope, my only salvation, my savior.  I feel less hopeful, so helpless at a time when I have reached out to Him probably more than I have any other time in my life!

I remain unanswered…

 

 

 

The Bitch that I’ve become

Well… I don’t know how to start writing tonight, but I feel like words need to get out.  I’ve been a real bitch on occasion, but none more than the last couple of years and especially since my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis was revealed to me a bit over 3 months ago!

After the initial shock and research, realizing, I am not going to get better/they cannot fix me, my emotions, anger, depression, bitchiness have poured out.  Even my Mom says I have changed!  I don’t know that’s it’s been a purposeful change.

I am not willing to put up with anyone’s bullshit anymore.  I feel terrible for hurting my parents, when it comes to my brother especially.  But my feelings on that subject are that he pretty much wrote me (all of us) off about 12 years ago.  He is no longer allowed to, nor do I desire his opinion on what I do, I don’t want to hear how he disagrees with what I do!  I just flat out am sick of hearing it!  He went one way and I went another!  I feel I’ve always stayed true to myself, so for ME, that is all that matters!  I’m saving my teaspoons of energy for people have stuck it out with me!  People who check on me and stand by me, help me when I’ve been they some rough patches.  He has not been there, he has not checked on me.

Tonight, my brother commented on a post I main Facebook and it hit me wrong, so I wrote “STFU”.  My husband, although he always supports me in my craziness said I was a bit harsh.  I don’t know, I’m tired of being silent!  I said what I felt in the moment and it felt good to get it out!

I’m tired!  I’ve been tired of his rules, limitations, judgements and planning around his family for all these years “just to be nice & keep the peace.”

I’m just plain tired… of everything!  I’ll do what I want!  Being in some sort of pain constantly is exhausting!  It has changed me, how could it not, it’s changed mine and my entire family’s life!  My hopes and dreams are cinders and ashes now.  Who wouldn’t  be pissed off and bitchy!

Fuck that!  🎙