Do you really want to know?

No, no you don’t!  What you want is to hear “I’m fine, I’m good/great”!  You don’t want to know how I really feel, physically, emotionally or mentally!  I say that because YOU really don’t and because you REALLY DO NOT want to know!  It exhausting, it’s terrifying, it’s sad.  It’s cold, it’s hard, it’s my truth and it’s my life!

To wake up each day and know that you will be in pain and to go to sleep each night knowing the same is completely draining!

To know that I must depend on others to do things I should be doing is deflating.  I never thought I would say that I wish I could get down on my hands and knees and scrub my shower!  I COULD do that, but it would cause me pain that causes me to need to medication and it would shut me down for at least several days!  I need to at least be mentally present for my children!

Today is not a good day!  My husband is not in a good mood!  He doesn’t realize, no matter how many times we talk or argue about it, how his tone of voice with me or the girls sets the mood of the entire household.  And I just can’t explain it or try to make him understand it anymore.  I just don’t have it in me.  I’m tired!  Of thinking, of being, of knowing, all of it!

I’m tired of knowing there is nothing the Dr’s, or I on my own, can do to get those nerves in my back to separate themselves the way they should  be and I could get back to a life that is not just laying down or reclining with small “breaks” getting up to do a few puddly things until my back and leg start to hurt.

I’m tired, I hurt, and let’s be honest….  no, you really don’t want to know.


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