The Broken One

There are so many things I want to write about…. things whizzing and whirring and stirring in my mind.

Today was an “anxious” day for me!  I have no idea why, I just felt anxious most of the day.  I tried deep breathing, tried the essential oils “peace & calming” my brothers wife gave us!  I think I’d have to take a bath in the sh*$ to make it work, maybe.

I actually woke up not feeling pain this morning, which is surprising.  I thought I felt like old me, I miss her!  I don’t like not being able to help out as much around the house, no way I can hold down a job, and so far have been denied disability.  I like being a “partner” to my husband!

Rhianna sings a song and part of it says “Funny your the broken one, but I’m the only one who needed saving” My husband always seemed/seems to me to be the broken one when I think about it, but he saves me every day!  He came from a broken, non nurturing, your on your own childhood/life!  His father abandoned their little family, his Mother, along with his older brother & younger sister.  His Mother remarried several times and most, if not all of the relationships were abusive.

It is a miracle how amazing a man he turned out to be!  My man, who loves me and does so much for me and our two girls!  He was on his own paying rent before he even graduated high school and then off to the military.  He excels at everything he does, he is so smart and strong.  He reminds me very much of my Daddy, although my Dad came from a completely opposite background!

I often times feel like I do not deserve him!  We both came from bad relationships where our exes cheated on us!  We were clear from the beginning about it!  If you don’t want to be with me – if you want to be with someone else, just be honest and tell me and I’ll be gone!  Nearly 11 years later and we are still faithful, loving & strong!  Inseparable from the very beginning!  I told him I drove away from our first date that I knew I would marry him!  I still don’t think he believes me!  He oozed honesty, calmness, sexiness and a touch that made me shiver from the very beginning!

I am always waiting for him to come back to me, wherever he is and he isn’t always trying to get back to me as quickly as possible, just so we can “be”!  Just being together is enough for us!  I am comfortable, relaxed, at peace when he is near!  If there is such a thing as a soul mate, then he is mine…

So, as usual, I got off track!  I was so anxious and then this afternoon, I decided to go out alone and run some errands.  I ended up visiting with some friends/acquaintances for about an our & a half and I felt a lot better!  I often feel so isolated because of the pain that rains down if I overdo it!  It’s a lot easier to just stay home and have a relaxed day doing a few little things here and there and be “present in mind” for my family than to go out and all of us pay the consequences one way or another later!

So, my ramshackle mind and body made it through  another day, my kids are happy, my husband, though exhausted is happy!  And I am, well, let’s just say content for now!  For the night… until I lay down and start thinking or wake up tomorrow and start remembering things I cannot do!  Or start doing something and stop because I need help unless I want to be punished by pain later.

Scattered thoughts, broken dreams – painfully perfect days with people I wouldn’t trade for anything!



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