Thoughts of Tomorrow

You can’t forget it!  I mean, you can, but your penance WILL be pain!  I hate not being able to do the things I want!  I hate having to ask for help!  The last few days, I was just tired of sitting around and getting nothing done!  So, I did a few little things.  Stand and do this or that for 15-20 minutes at a time.  Sounds reasonable, right??  Do a few small tasks and then sit down and rest for an hour or two, take a Naproxen or some Ibuprofen.  Wrong!

It used to be, the things on my mind were “normal”!  Do I have food for the girls’ breakfast & lunches?  Do I have the things they like?  Do they have clean underwear, jeans?  Ahhh, I’m sick of looking at that water splattered mirror and the kitchen countertop area covered in papers and junk.  What’s going to be for dinner?  I need to get the kids outside for some fresh air, meaning, I need to go out and watch them.

Now, it never fails; I wake up and if I’ve been laying on my back for awhile, my low back hurts.  How much are my leg, back & ankle going to hurt today when I stand up?  Did I do anything in the night or the day before that will have caused some major change to have taken place?  Will my brain be functioning correctly?  Will I know when I need to go to the bathroom?  Will something be paralyzed today?  These, seemingly, should not be the thoughts of a 43 year old mother.  But by chance & circumstance, here I sit with all of these thoughts constantly running through my head!  Will I ever be able to enjoy a family vacation again?

Now, I tell myself over & over that there are those in much worse predicaments than myself.  I know this & I am grateful!  Some days, it is easier than others not to “feel sorry” for myself.  But as I’ve said before, this is a grief thing.  I and so many others are mourning the loss of the lives we were once able to have.  Thank God we have life, thank God for his mercies.  Thank God we have not been taken away from our loved ones.

I am not afraid to die!  But when I think about dying, I think of those I will leave behind and how they will cope.  I pray I will stay healthy long enough for my girls to grow up and get their lives established at least.  I want to be here for as long as possible to support my husband, my kids and parents – as much as I am able to at this point.  And sometimes just being there is enough.  I know it has been as far as my parents go – they’ve just ALWAYS been there to support me and listen to me.  Always backing me up, whether they believed I was 100% right or not.  They stuck by me.  I am supremely blessed!

I selfishly want my parents and my husband to be around for as long as possible, but I do not want them to have to cope with my death.  The thought of doing that to them makes me sick.  I wanted to be here to take care of my parents!  And, I still will be, as much as I am able!  I certainly don’t want them to have to take care of me.  My husband is doing an amazing job of that.  I worry he will get tired of it, of me.  He has to work to support us and do most of the household work as well.  It is not fair to him.

A few years ago, I was thinking – I’ve always been called an “old soul”!  I think about things, deep things, a lot.  I just thought to myself, this man, my husband – he really has made all my dreams come true!  Who gets to say that in their lifetime?!?  We don’t have a ton of $, but that means nothing!  We’ve had priceless time together!  We met later in life, so for me, I feel like it will never be enough!  I wish we had met and been childhood sweethearts, he is so dear to me!

So, my thoughts about my tomorrow’s have changed significantly!  But however painful, I still think it’s been perfect!  Perfect in the way that God has planned for me, even if much of the time, I do not understand it.

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