Mad as Hell

I’ve thought an immense number of hours about what the cause or causes of my diagnosis of arachnoiditis were.  Before I had any knowledge whatsoever, I was certain after reading a bit… that the first time I went for a 2nd round of steroid injections, that Dr caused it.

When I finally got back in to see my actual neurologist (after getting the initial diagnosis from his PA) & he explained that my cauda equina (horses tail – nerves that should be hanging freely in your mid back) had been smashed together by my ruptured disc, I thought, well there is the answer.  That’s what caused this.

The more time I have to think about this, the more pissed off I get.  IF when my disc initially herniated they had gone ahead and done surgery -and those nerves were no longer pressed together- would I be in this predicament now??  Instead of sending me through 2 months of waiting, being in a tremendous amount of pain, being able to do nothing & having me go through 3 steroid injections with VERY limited change – would I have this arachnoiditis?  IF they had fixed it in the beginning, WOULD it have ruptured even more, as it did nearly 2 months later!?!

MAYBE the first rupture and the pressure on my nerves being fixed more quickly would have prevented this!?!  MAYBE the steroid injections helped to cause this?!? MAYBE the severity of the 2nd rupture (which may or may not have happened if they fixed the first one sooner) MAYBE if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have ARACHNOIDITIS!?!  MAYBE when I went back because my pain was slowly coming back and hadn’t had that 2nd set of 2 steroid injections I wouldn’t have this disease!  MAYBE it wasn’t full on ARACHNOIDITIS until the Dr doing these injections hit my spinal canal & fluid leaked out & I’m sure some of the steroids & preservatives entered my spinal canal, which they say can sometimes cause  Arachnoiditis – MAYBE I would not have this damn, frustrating and painful disease.

I am feeling mad as hell because I will NEVER KNOW!!!  I will never know and I cannot stop thinking about it & it drives me insane!  Maybe that time will come, when I come to terms with this & have some peace of mind about it, I don’t know – right now, it does not feel that way.

Right now, I am tired of thinking about it as soon as I wake up, tired of crying about it, tired of praying myself to sleep over it – there is no hope, so this, right now, is my only hope!  I don’t know how to get past it, BUT whether or not whoever reads this believes in God, I do & he is my tireless listener.

It is hard being so filled with anger everyday.  I feel bad about how I react to the people I love, but I feel totally out of control.  It’s just there, it’s always there.

I TRY to drag out the positives!  I have a husband who sticks with me, bitchy as I may be.  I have 2 daughters who are healthy and safe and still have their mother.  When I think about them not having me, that isn’t when I try to get positive.  If I’m only here for them, at least for long enough and able to function, then I will do my best to manage the pain and loss of a life that I once had.

For all of these reasons, My life remains perfect, but also painful… But, I’m still MAD AS HELL!!!

 

 

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