So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, certain songs will make an idea already on my mind become more persistent. And I think A LOT because I have A LOT of time to think.
Before we went on our family vacation to Destin in November 2017 (a real luxury for us), my mind set was different. I was intent on really participating, no matter what, I was going to be present in the activities my children & husband wanted me to do, I was going to have that moonlight walk on the beach this year, because when I got home, I was going to have a myelogram and they were finally going to SEE what was wrong with me and then they were going to fix it and THEN!! my life could be “normal” again…. WRONG!!!
I did PUSH through that vacation and I did more than I had done in about 2 1/2 years. And I paid the penance of pain for it! I was stiff, sore, my head hurt a little bit more each day! The nerve pain got a little worse each day. I had prayed to God, please just let me get thru this vacation and enjoy this rare time with my family. By the last night of vacation, I was not well! I had a headache that I tried to tell myself was a migraine, I was so nauseous and I just couldn’t push anymore. This *migraine* was like no other, I had severe pressure in my head, like it would explode, I thought it was because there were storms rolling about & the barometric pressure was high. This was like every kind of headache you can imagine in one. It took me nearly 6 weeks of doing pretty much nothing and taking pain pills & muscle relaxers to get to my new normal (of still doing pretty much nothing), but not in a full on kicking my ass flare! At least I wasn’t drugged up & could think somewhat clearly again! I could be there “mentally” for my kids & husband!
I digress, when I got home, I had my myelogram a few days later. Then, I saw my Dr.’s PA a week or so later. This is where I got my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis, the diagnosis that had (little to my knowledge) already changed my life forever, but now I had to accept that this was not something fixable! No cure, no nothing! Pain management for life. My Neurologist doesn’t give a shit anymore because he can’t make anymore money off of me. There will be no scar removal, there is no “fixing” this. This is really bad!
So, the other day I heard the song “Unanswered prayers”. It got me thinking, does God really “answer” or “unanswer” our prayers? Or, is He just carrying out the plan He had for us all along. All the time we spend praying & hoping… I know we are not supposed to worry, God has already worked it all out for us. Duh, but how could THIS be the plan. I’ve always said, God has a plan for me, I just have to LET it happen – we all know this is easier said than done! But I had no experience or had never thought a plan like this would be for me! I was always so careful!!
So, is all this praying & begging to God for this outcome or that really “necessary”? I picture him answering “be patient my child”, “do not fear my child”, “do not wonder my child”, “take comfort in Me, my child”! But is he really ANSWERING, or for that matter UNANSWERING!!! HE had this planned out all along!
All the while, I have prayed for certain outcomes, while being thankful for all of my Earthly blessings as well! Always, I am so thankful for the life, the opportunities, the LOVE that has been so abundant in my life!
So, dare I walk further down this road… “WHY?? WHY would THIS be His plan for me? Why would He PLAN like this for me & others like me (and for those in far worse situations than me) our lives the way He has? Where does free will come into play? How could I have altered HIS plan? Could I? I don’t believe I am that powerful! Why didn’t this happen to a child molesterer, a rapist, a murderer, a pedophile? I am trying to wrap my head around all this thinking that sometimes drives me crazy!
My thinking, my ideas… my “unanswered”??? Prayers!!! I have felt close and had a deep belief in God since I was a child. I honestly don’t think it is possible for a human to fully wrap their minds around all of this! I have so many questions & I still believe only He has the answers.
I’ve thought about Eve eating the apple, why did she let herself be persuaded to eat that damn apple? I’ve thought about Jesus & His sufferings. His resurrection, His faithfulness, His unearthly understanding! Why, in the world we live in – I can’t make any sense of this way. I KNOW it is beyond my HUMAN understanding! I MUST accept something beyond my own understanding!
Now, HOW can I get to a point of ACCEPTANCE?
I pray I will be OK enough to be here for my daughters for long enough! I don’t know what His plan is! I’m tired of thinking about this, wondering. I know I need to lay it in His hands. I feel comfort and at the same time a gnawing in my gut that He knows/He knew all along! What did I do wrong, or was it nothing?
How can I better walk alongside Him in the rest of this journey? He is my only hope, my only salvation, my savior. I feel less hopeful, so helpless at a time when I have reached out to Him probably more than I have any other time in my life!
I remain unanswered…